Surviving an Extramarital Affair

Reconnecting after Marital Infidelity or Emotional Cheating 

Adultery is a heart-breaking betrayal, whether it's emotional cheating or physical intimacy with another person.  Here are five steps to surviving an extramarital affair.

We love to watch cheating spouses on Desperate Housewives, Dr Phil, and in American politics – but in reality it's one of the most painful betrayals a partner will ever experience. Surviving an extramarital affair takes courage, strength, and honesty. It may be easier to divorce after infidelity, but surviving an affair can lead to better relationships and deeper connections.

Some marriages are stronger after marital infidelity. It depends on many factors: why one person strayed, how long it continued, whether it's over, how it was discovered and the type of extramarital affair (for example, emotional cheating versus a one-night stand are two very different types of betrayal).

Once you decide to stay together after an extramarital affair, it's important to keep these "five steps to surviving an extramarital affair" fresh in your mind. 

Five steps to surviving an extramarital affair:

1. Recognize your role. If your spouse had an emotional affair or was physically unfaithful, try to understand how and why your marriage was suffering. Two people contribute to an unhappy marriage. Consider marital counseling to help you and your spouse see how, why, and when your relationship faltered.

2. Be open to change. Neither you nor your spouse is perfect, but you both need to be open to recognizing your flaws and making changes that will improve your communication, interaction, and commitment.

3. Limit your questions. According to Gary Neuman (author of Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid It), "this issues is controversial among marital therapists." You may feel that you can deal with the extramarital affair better if you know the details, yet knowing everything can prolong the pain. Dr Neuman recommends discussing the questions that will help you survive marital infidelity.

"There are some questions you are entitled to know the answers to," says Gary Neuman. These include: who was it, how did you meet, how long did the relationship last, do you have a relationship now, does anyone else know, and why did you have the affair?

4. Don't keep bringing the extramarital affair up. After you've received a genuine apology and a reassurance that it'll never happen again, put it behind you. Don't bring it up during arguments or discussions.

5. Resolve to move on. Let go of the past after you've created a plan for surviving infidelity. See the extramarital affair as a terrible mistake when your marriage was suffering – and as a vehicle for creating a more vibrant, honest, and trusting marriage.

(Source: Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid It by Gary Neuman)